Bobo told me the night I read the thread that Jitterbug started not to post anything that night, but to wait, but I didn't listen, and I should have, because I should have either explained fully what I meant, or not posted anything at all, so I am going to try and rectify that. I am holding myself really responsible for what I didn't say..for what I didn't do, because I did feel uncomfortable in the car on the ride home and said nothing, and that is on me.
But it's all about perception, all about trying to understand where the other person is coming from, and I am going to try and explain where I am coming from and what my personal perceptions are.
First of all, the breakfast that morning was lovely, and I enjoyed the company and the conversation, and no, the topic wasn't all about Rastagirl; it just wasn't like that, and I do apologize for having left that impression.
I also appreciated the invitation, although I will be honest and say that the comments afterwards concerning my accepting it really hurt and angered me, but like I responded, I am more than willing to pay anyone back for ANYTHING that was extended to me that is now regretted, even if it was offered free at the time.
Now you need to understand something about me. I will say anything in front of someone's face that I will to their back, but I feel uncomfortable passing judgement on someone I have never personally met, and that is just me. So after the breakfast and the tour of Just Natural is over and we get into the car I have to be honest and say that I got really uncomfortable with the direction the conversation took at that time, and didn't see what was even funny about the drive by and jokes about the "yaad", but I didn't say anything at the time at all.
And see that is what bothers me most of all about this whole thing. Not that I pissed my friends off and they might not even want to be me friends anymore, because that wasn't my intent, but that I really let myself down.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about my life experiences, but I do need to say that there was a time in my life when I was picked on and made fun of and it escalated to a dangerous and violent level, and one of the things that always got to me about that time was all the people who turned and looked the other way and pretended they didn't see anything and didn't say anything, and I always told myself that if anyone was ever being made fun of or picked on and I was around I would stand up for that person...
and this may not even be the case, this may not have even been what transpired in the car on the way back, and my perceptions may be totally skewed and off, but my perception is that someone I had no personal issue with was being mocked and attacked for no particular reason I could see...and I went along..
and see, that's what I meant when I posted that I felt dirty and complicit..because as soon as I read what had been posted, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe if I had spoken up at the time, that someone as nice as Jitterbug really is might have thought twice before posting something that makes her look that snarky and snide, because honestly, that is the way it came off to me when I read it, and I know in reading the responses, that it came off to others that way as well.
Look, I know that there is some kind of animosity towards here by some because I guess to some she has given off the impression that she is, to be blunt, a bit of a know it all, but again, that is perceptions, and that has been what it is of some..but it has never been that of me.
And I never made that clear before, I never said anything, and only after reading what was posted did I make a response that only made things worse. And I'm really sorry I pissed people off, and if anyone wants to get anything I would owe like they want me to pay for a meal or what was a gift or anything, I am at Negril Escape or Amy Pike on facebook and I may be broke at the end of the month, but am not a freeloader or a mooch or a leech, just someone who mistakenly took an invitation at face value, and didn't realize it meant I had to check my conscience in at the door.